either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
MIDGETS
????
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
