ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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