Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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