i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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