today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
