That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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