I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
