god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
