how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
