Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
