I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
