Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
