Betty ford says i'm here all night
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
