You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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