Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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