just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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