I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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