winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
