well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
