Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
