So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
