Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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