i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
