i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think my moral compass just broke
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
