You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize