Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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