walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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