I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
