i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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