Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
