When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
