well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
