I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
