last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
