She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
