My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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