Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
