There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
