You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
