So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
