Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
