Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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