My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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