Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
