Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
