So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
