On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
