Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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