Your dad touched me again.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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