Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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