Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize