On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
