he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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