New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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