Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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