I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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