How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
