Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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