And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
