The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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