If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
