and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
