i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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