She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
