my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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